do herpes really smell.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
