peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
