So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
