I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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