2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
my poor anus
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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