4 words: hood of his car
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
