I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize