Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Operation Purity has been aborted
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
