FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
