I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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