20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
