The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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