im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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