He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
