I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
