Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
MIDGETS
????
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
