Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
