I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
