I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Come see our sink grown plant.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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