I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize