we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
