you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
