I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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