Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
