I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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