It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Swine flu. Run for my life!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
