you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
