I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
