so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
