My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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