It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
