im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
