I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
