You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Randomize
