so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
