Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I look better un-naked...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
