so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
