call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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