guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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