theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
