note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
