My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
