Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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