I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
