I smell stomach acid.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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