I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
