I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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