I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
