If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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