You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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