I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
