If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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