Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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