and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
