paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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