"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
