I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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