Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
