Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
