I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
