just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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