my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
