so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize