I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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