Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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